Why I Hate ESPN

I have a deep hatred for the Worldwide Leader, and so should you. People often say, "D-Rock, why all the hate?" Well, I'm going to break it down, slowly, topic by topic so that your dumbass can finally understand and join the rest of us civilized folk in our utter disdain for ESPN.

1. Anchors and "Experts"
Quick, name for me one anchor that doesn't try to make himself the focus of the show. Ok, that's cool, take your time....seriously, no rush. If somehow you were able to think of one anchor who doesn't remind you of this SNL skit, allow me to give you a few examples of anchors/"experts" who make me want to kill myself.














Chris Berman - He was my number 1 most hated anchor even before the whole YWML stuff came out from Deadspin. Please explain to me how someone can have a job reporting sports news when they mutter, stutter, and say "uh" every 5 seconds to stall for time. Oh wait, he has those sweet catchphrases!!!!! Who couldn't love such ingenious sayings such as "back back back," "whooop," and delightful nicknames like Jake "Daylight come and you gotta" Delhomme!!!! Oh my God that's SOOO funny!!!! He inserted a phrase for his middle name!!!!! I mean, I thought it was funny when Larry the Cable Guy did that one joke about the trailer park, but this 'uns even better!!!!! Seriously, I'd rather have this guy giving me sports news.




Stuart Scott, aka Carlton Banks - Man I hate Stuart Scott. From his creepy lazy eye to his dope, crazy phat tricked out poetry slams, Stu has re-defined how not to be an anchor. Just GIVE ME THE SCORES YOU FUCKTARD. I don't want to hear you rhyme. I don't want you telling me not to boo (direct quote here): "When you go to the sporting events and you're watching the athletes compete as hard as they can, stop booing, OK? There's no point in booing these athletes. They've all worked hard. They've all trained hard, and let's see you get out there and do it, all right?" You're right Stu, I am a worthless piece of shit who shouldn't even be allowed to breathe the same air as these guys; who the hell do I think I am? Thank God we have someone like you to remind all of us weak sissys just how much of a pussy we are. Still though, if it isn't too much of a problem, could you do me a favor Mr. Scott? Basically, and I know this is a crazy concept because you work for ESPN, I want you to....GIVE ME THE SCORES. HOLY SHIT, what an insane request.



Which one was on Fresh Prince?


Jim Rome (shudders)

Steve Phillips - I would love to know another area of life that you can completely fail at and then get hired months later as an "expert." Let's look at some of the moves that "expert" Steve Phillips made as Mets GM:
- Bobby Jones and Jason Bay for Steve Reed and Jason Middlebrook: Wow, who wouldn't give up a promising young star who is currently hitting 30+ homeruns already (Bay) for a pitcher with a career ERA of 5.33 (Middlebrook).
- Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Melvin Mora (and others) for Mike Bordick: Mora's numbers the past 3 years are BA of .317, .340, and .283; HR's of 15, 27, and 27; OPS of .921, .981, and .822. Mike Bordick, um, played some great defense.

Stephen A Smith - Dear God, please stop yelling at me.

2. How They Are Now the MTV of the Sports World

Imagine this crazy scenario for a second. An entire channel devoted to just one facet of life. That channel gets hugely popular, and instead of continuing to pursue that one facet, they start putting on a bunch of other shows that are almost similar to what they originally pursued. Sound familiar? MTV plays videos for about 10 seconds a day, while ESPN is starting to churn out "Bonds on Bonds," Nascar movies, Rome is Burning (shudders again), Outside the Lines, and whatever else dumb ass filler they put on the air. MTV turned into MTV2, MTV Hits, MTV Jams. ESPN has turned into ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News. The parallels are so erie I don't even have to make a lame joke here, even a moron who likes ESPN can see the road they're heading down.

3. ESPN Insider on ESPN.com

Hey ESPN, can I please give you even more money?!?!? I don't think you have enough, and now that I think about it, I should have to pay to read Mel Kiper's 300th draft board in 2 weeks or the always insightful Joe Morgan's chat transcript. I would rather set my money (or myself) on fire than give you a dime, you bastards.


So there are 3 reasons why I seriously hate ESPN. The section on anchors/"experts" could go on for days, but if I haven't convinced you by now that ESPN is evil incarnate I probably never will, you ignorant piece of crap. And for the record, yes, I do watch sportscenter or a game on ESPN from time to time. I mean, I hate it, but what the hell else am I going to watch, Fox Sports?





A group of douchebags who like ESPN. Do you wanna be like them?