Where Have You Gone Marge Schott

ESPN College Gameday Does Not Find Me Funny

2006-09-27T23:49:00.000-04:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their suggestions for possible Gameday signs. I couldn't believe how many people sent in their ideas, the majority of which were hilarious. That being said, here were the top 5, as chosen by me and my buddies, in no particular order:

1. Ohio State Bukkakeyes #1
2. Lou Holtz Looks Like A Nutsack
3. Lee Corso Sports the Merkin
4. Weekend at Joe Pa's
5. Maurice Clarett: The Homeless Man's OJ

Here's a recap of what happened. We planned on making 2 signs, one offensive and one not quite so offensive. We were going to staple the non-offensive sign over the other one, and when we were sure we were on TV, tear it off. Sounds like a full proof plan, right? Wrong. We went out Friday night without buying anything except for posterboard. Meaning we had to either make our signs when we were wasted, or wake up at some ungodly hour Saturday and finish them. Well, Friday night was a drunken blur and nothing got done. So Saturday we got up around 7:30am and had the following items in our inventory:

1. Posterboard
2. Duct tape
3. A piece of pipe
4. Useless shit around my buddy's apartment.

Awesome. So long story short, we quickly made our signs and duct taped them to the piece of pipe. Surprisingly, this did not hold up well. The non offensive sign read, "Weekend at Joe Pa's" and the offensive sign underneath read, "Lou Holtz looks like a nutsack." Both of which were pure gold, so thanks to whoever suggested them. We arrived about 30 minutes before Gameday started and it became apparent that our ghetto ass sign + a very windy day would not equal fun times. I figured we didn't have much time before all the duct tape ripped off, so about 5 minutes before 10am I ripped off the top layer. Roughly 2.5 seconds later, a very very large man wearing an ESPN shirt came up to me and said, "You can either come with me or give me the sign." Well, I'm not a big dude (I'm more of the nerdy, law school type) so the decision wasn't too difficult.

For what it's worth, the double layer sign would totally have worked. I recommend it to anyone who wants to sneak in an offensive sign for about 5 minutes of airtime. Also, Fowler kind of plays to the crowd before the show starts, and Lee Corso looks really confused during commercial breaks. At the end of the show, Fowler said they might be coming back for the OSU vs. Michigan game in November, and if they do, I swear to all that is holy I will not attempt to build the sign at 8am, hungover, using pipe and duct tape.

Help Me, Help You

2006-09-19T22:16:00.000-04:00

This weekend I will be at OSU for the Penn State game, and so will College Gameday. That's where you (all 5 readers) come in. I need your help. I want to create the most (mildly) offensive, clever, outlandish sign that ESPN will immediately regret showing. Obviously straight up profanity and obscene phrases won't make it past Lee Corso's bodyguard. But original, good old fashioned smart ass comments should, so offer up your suggestions. I promise to take the best one and proudly display it Saturday morning.

NFL Week 1

2006-09-11T23:48:00.000-04:00

The NFL season officially began this weekend (or Thursday, but you know what I mean). Let's face it everyone, the NFL has us all by the short and curlies. They are by far the most popular and powerful professional sport (don't give me that NASCAR shit), and they know they have America addicted. They keep adding games, they keep promoting their network, and the other channels keep giving them boatloads of money to broadcast the games. The NFL has thrived while basketball, hockey, and baseball, although to a lesser extent, have become weaker than they were 10-15 years ago.

So, enough about the NFL as a whole. What has this first week told us about the teams that actually play the games? The answer is absolutely nothing. One game is far too early to judge a team, especally in a league as balanced as the NFL. Yet when I turn on my T.V. all I hear about is how great this team is, or how terrible this other one is. I mean for christ sakes John Clayton is slobbing on more knobs than Paris Hilton at a Greek shipping heir convention. It's a bit ridiculous. They play 16 games everyone. Just because the Ravens shut out a Chris Simms led Tampa Bay team doesn't mean they're going 16-0, despite what Ray Lewis is saying. Stop annoiting teams and/or players as great before they actually do anything.

How I Blow My Loan Check, Every Weekend

2006-09-08T17:53:00.000-04:00

Every weekend during the NFL season I'm throwing 50 bucks down on various bets. Do I have some new kickass job, like selling crack on the mean streets of Toledo? Ha, jobs are for suckers. I've got a little thing called free money, courtesy of my University of Toledo loan checks. So join me, as I fail out of law school and resort to selling plasma for ramen noodles.

First Bet $10 - Manning vs Manning, Most Completions, Peyton -2.5
- OK, I know, prop bets are gayer than Clay Aiken, but this one was a free bet on a site I use. So it's not a big deal if I lose it. Don't judge me.

Second Bet $10, pays $111 - 6 Team Parlay; Cardinals -360, Patriots -600, Chargers -145, Buccaneers -150, Redskins -210, and Rams +4
- I have a tendency to make really stupid bets because I think I am knowledgeable about football. I'm not. And they never hit. This is one of them.

Third Bet $10, pays $30 - 6 Point Teaser, 4 Teams; Cardinals -1.5, Rams +10, Titans +3.5, Buccaneers +3
- Teaser. Also gay. Whatever

Fourth Bet $20, pays 12 - 2 Team Parlay; Patriots -600 and Eagles -260
- This is kind of my bet to save my ass for the weekend. When all the other bets lose, I'm counting on this one to almost make me break even.

So there you go. I'll update Monday and let the world know how much money I lost. Go Browns, go Buckeyes.

Edit - Total after week 1: down $4.50. WOW, that is not exciting.

Why I Hate ESPN

2006-09-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

I have a deep hatred for the Worldwide Leader, and so should you. People often say, "D-Rock, why all the hate?" Well, I'm going to break it down, slowly, topic by topic so that your dumbass can finally understand and join the rest of us civilized folk in our utter disdain for ESPN.

1. Anchors and "Experts"
Quick, name for me one anchor that doesn't try to make himself the focus of the show. Ok, that's cool, take your time....seriously, no rush. If somehow you were able to think of one anchor who doesn't remind you of this SNL skit, allow me to give you a few examples of anchors/"experts" who make me want to kill myself.

Chris Berman - He was my number 1 most hated anchor even before the whole YWML stuff came out from Deadspin. Please explain to me how someone can have a job reporting sports news when they mutter, stutter, and say "uh" every 5 seconds to stall for time. Oh wait, he has those sweet catchphrases!!!!! Who couldn't love such ingenious sayings such as "back back back," "whooop," and delightful nicknames like Jake "Daylight come and you gotta" Delhomme!!!! Oh my God that's SOOO funny!!!! He inserted a phrase for his middle name!!!!! I mean, I thought it was funny when Larry the Cable Guy did that one joke about the trailer park, but this 'uns even better!!!!! Seriously, I'd rather have this guy giving me sports news.

Stuart Scott, aka Carlton Banks - Man I hate Stuart Scott. From his creepy lazy eye to his dope, crazy phat tricked out poetry slams, Stu has re-defined how not to be an anchor. Just GIVE ME THE SCORES YOU FUCKTARD. I don't want to hear you rhyme. I don't want you telling me not to boo (direct quote here): "When you go to the sporting events and you're watching the athletes compete as hard as they can, stop booing, OK? There's no point in booing these athletes. They've all worked hard. They've all trained hard, and let's see you get out there and do it, all right?" You're right Stu, I am a worthless piece of shit who shouldn't even be allowed to breathe the same air as these guys; who the hell do I think I am? Thank God we have someone like you to remind all of us weak sissys just how much of a pussy we are. Still though, if it isn't too much of a problem, could you do me a favor Mr. Scott? Basically, and I know this is a crazy concept because you work for ESPN, I want you to....GIVE ME THE SCORES. HOLY SHIT, what an insane request.

Which one was on Fresh Prince?

Jim Rome (shudders)

Steve Phillips - I would love to know another area of life that you can completely fail at and then get hired months later as an "expert." Let's look at some of the moves that "expert" Steve Phillips made as Mets GM:
- Bobby Jones and Jason Bay for Steve Reed and Jason Middlebrook: Wow, who wouldn't give up a promising young star who is currently hitting 30+ homeruns already (Bay) for a pitcher with a career ERA of 5.33 (Middlebrook).
- Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Melvin Mora (and others) for Mike Bordick: Mora's numbers the past 3 years are BA of .317, .340, and .283; HR's of 15, 27, and 27; OPS of .921, .981, and .822. Mike Bordick, um, played some great defense.

Stephen A Smith - Dear God, please stop yelling at me.

2. How They Are Now the MTV of the Sports World

Imagine this crazy scenario for a second. An entire channel devoted to just one facet of life. That channel gets hugely popular, and instead of continuing to pursue that one facet, they start putting on a bunch of other shows that are almost similar to what they originally pursued. Sound familiar? MTV plays videos for about 10 seconds a day, while ESPN is starting to churn out "Bonds on Bonds," Nascar movies, Rome is Burning (shudders again), Outside the Lines, and whatever else dumb ass filler they put on the air. MTV turned into MTV2, MTV Hits, MTV Jams. ESPN has turned into ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News. The parallels are so erie I don't even have to make a lame joke here, even a moron who likes ESPN can see the road they're heading down.

3. ESPN Insider on ESPN.com

Hey ESPN, can I please give you even more money?!?!? I don't think you have enough, and now that I think about it, I should have to pay to read Mel Kiper's 300th draft board in 2 weeks or the always insightful Joe Morgan's chat transcript. I would rather set my money (or myself) on fire than give you a dime, you bastards.

So there are 3 reasons why I seriously hate ESPN. The section on anchors/"experts" could go on for days, but if I haven't convinced you by now that ESPN is evil incarnate I probably never will, you ignorant piece of crap. And for the record, yes, I do watch sportscenter or a game on ESPN from time to time. I mean, I hate it, but what the hell else am I going to watch, Fox Sports?

A group of douchebags who like ESPN. Do you wanna be like them?

Wait, what are the referees wearing?

2006-08-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

Besides giving fans a chance to watch star players get hurt and scout the fourth string punter the NFL preseason gives fans a chance to see what's new about the game this year. Whether it be new rules, new technology, or a new Jerry Jones facelift it's always interesting to see what has changed. This year the change may have been the most shocking for me. The refs have new uniforms. Writing that sentence made me cringe. Why in the hell would the referees need new uniforms? It doesn't make any sense, and why in the hell would you make them as butt ugly as the new uniforms are? Referees should wear simple vertical black and white striped shirts, plain and simple. The new ones are black and white, but they're real flashy and look stupid. I guess the NFL was making up for the lack of touchdown celebrations by giving their referees more "flair". There's no logical explanation why refs would need new uniforms. Teams change uniforms so they can get their fans to buy more shit. I can't go out and buy a new Ed Hockily ref replica jersey can I? Believe me if I could, I would already own one, but unfortunately they don't sell ref jerseys. So, why NFL?

Jason Whitlock is insightful

2006-07-24T22:39:00.000-04:00

“2. Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident will negatively impact his performance this season. " -Jason Whitlock ESPN Page 2 Columnist

Wow Jason way to go out on a limb! It’s pretty risky to say that someone who had their entire face smashed will be negatively affected by it. Is there any possible way that this could positively affect his performance? O.K., let’s say he’s ready for training camp and doesn’t miss any games. The simple fact that he’s had to take time away from preparing for the season to fix a god damn broken face means he may not be as sharp as he could have been. Isn’t this obvious to anyone with common sense? So why say it Jason?

Whitlock’s statement is even more ridiculous when you look at the fact that Pittsburgh’s offense, on paper, is not as strong. Since last season Pittsburgh has lost their power runner/team leader (Bettis) and their #2 receiver/arguably most dangerous playmaker, especially in the trick plays they love to run (Randle El). You can’t tell me that without these guys Pittsburgh’s O will be just as good, and don’t tell me they’ve been replaced. Willie Parker will have to have a much bigger role than last year (no guarantee he will be able to handle such a role), Duce Staley did absolutely nothing last year, and Santonio Holmes, while he has all the tools, will be a rookie. Holmes can’t be expected to immediately step in and do all the things Randle El did.

So, all Whitlock did here was state something that is pretty much a sure thing to happen. Therefore, when Roethlisberger struggles in the beginning of the year Whitlock will pull up the quote from above and talk about what a genius he is. Nice try, but you can’t fool us we’re on to you.

Get Ready Folks

2006-07-24T14:45:00.000-04:00

Get ready to have your dirty asses rocked out by this sports blog. First real post coming soon.